Starting Over Again

Yes, starting over - but as Emy and not with a new AV. I did start with a new AV, but a friend blew my cover, and I do not feel like setting up a new AV again, so I just started over again with Emy. What can I say? I missed the dance. I know, you have heard this before, but it is true. It is what I live for. I AM Dance.

So yesterday I revived my group and I am going to be aggressive about recruiting members this time. I recruited 2 new members last night at Fibbers and 2 more at Runaround Sue's tonight. These are, of course, players who raved about the dance. But I am up to 32 members, and I am very pleased about that because I had to set up the group from scratch (and memory.) I really burned my bridges when I deleted calling cards as well as friends from my list. But in all fairness, I did not expect to return to SL. I planned to make a fresh start and then decide whether to stay. But it is better this way. I am taking responsibility for my mistakes and will have to rebuild my bridges. And if people cannot forgive me, I will understand. The words from my "missing" friends have been very kind. I will let them decide whether or not to friend me and my friends list will be stronger for it.

The harder part will be obtaining employment, but I have discussed this with a new friend and I have a plan now. [OOC: It is odd how I am now employed in RL and not employed in SL. And like in RL, I can do this myself. I only hope it doesn't take 8 months in SL...]

I am taller and rounder and blonde and will dress as I see fit. I will not be a clown or a slut of course, but I will try not to take myself as seriously as I did in the past. And I no longer look as I did when I was 27 in RL, so it will be easier to divorce RL from SL. I am ready to go forward now and face my life.

Healing With Friends and Dance

I freely admit that I miss my dancing. So last night I came into SL, warmed up my dances and headed off to Linri's Palace to choreo to DJ Otawan Fouquet's Celtic set. I had IM'd a couple of friends to let them know I was in world for choreo and I was flattered that they came out to say hello. And almost everyone there told me they missed my dance. But not that they missed me. So I am still undecided as to whether I shall stay in SL. I have become defined by my choreography. It seems that is what everyone sees when they see me. No one noticed my new height or my more rounded figure. Oh, I received friendship offers from two men there who I did not know (accompanied by the words "beautiful") but that is nothing new for me. I turned them down. No one said "I would like to get to know you better", they just said how much fun the dance was.

But dancing was healing. I lost myself in the sound and the play of the routines with the music. I rarely know what Ot is going to play next, so I had to focus. I am serious about my dancing and perhaps this has gotten in the way of my being friendly. I cannot pay attention to chat, IMs and the dance at the same time. If you were to dance often enough with me you would know when my attention had wandered off the dance.

I have decided to reopen my blog to the public. I received complaints last night from people who couldn't read it and had forgotten their passwords or were not members. So I will do this much for my friends, but I will not put personal information on it, which was what I had planned to do...

An explanation

It seems that I have made myself persona non-grata with many people including someone I thought was a friend who wrote the following about me. "If they have emotional baggage they're carrying around and they feel the need to try to demean someone in order to make theirselves seem superior... End result is it makes me sad knowing how some people have such strict rules for themselves and others to follow...and aren't able to open their eyes to new possibilities and change." It seems that there are many people out there who share the same opinion and since I want to only bring joy to people when they dance, I cannot continue to dance. And last night Allan told me we would be doing no more sets together, for other reasons. I was so upset that I was physically ill and had to leave the show in the middle. Thank goodness Salena Streeter came in at that point. I asked her to carry on and I hope she did.

So I decided to leave SL for good this morning. I emptied the club of everything that was still in my name and gave them to Linri so she could put them back up. I abandoned my land and notified my group that I was leaving. And while I was doing these things, my friend Cas talked to me and kept me company. She did not exactly agree with what I was doing, but she was there to support me and I could not have managed so gracefully without her.

I hate it when people leave and don't say goodbye so I prepared notes for my group, the DJs and club owners I still had commitments with, and the few friends I kept on my list after deleting all the others. And after I sent out the notices and closed the group, I had one last dance with Sasha Watkins at Smooth (the place we met so long ago in August 2007) and said goodbye to him.

Part of me already regrets the decision. I miss not seeing the people I have become friends with over the last year and a half. (When I told Sasha that I only kept 12 out of the 125 on my list he reminded me that 12 new true friends in 18 months would be a very good number for RL.) And I have nothing to do with my spare time now!

The poem I wrote yesterday may turn out to be prophetic and perhaps a new AV will emulate the phoenix and rise from the ashes.

OOC: This is not Emy speaking

It has been years since I wrote anything so when I woke this morning with words in my head, I knew I had to write them down. I wrote 95% of it before I realized what I was describing. What a shock to have a title come so easily. Poetry is meant to be read so I have published it here.

Namaste


i am
standing
feet against the earth
hands outstretched to the sky
come together to a point
press the palms together and draw them down
graze the forehead
before my breasts
i bow

separate the hands and swing them wide
turn palms down to the earth
and raise
i begin to spin

slowly
my feet
burn the earth
faster now
the hole deepens
i begin to sink
spinning
down
into the ground

she accepts
i accept
we become
one

i am
remade
and emerge
waiting
for life
to touch me
again

What was I thinking?

I don't know what got into me, but I just promised to give Linri a list of dances that will work for a Country and Western dance ball and to make her some line dance sync balls. [Emyly Beaumont smacks her forehead with the flat of her hand.] But I DIDN'T promise to listen to the new C&W DJ. She can't make me!

A Rainy Day

I don't think I have any friends left. My disapproval of master/slave rp has had me lambasted up and down each side and I have inadvertently hurt a very good friend. And I was offered money by another friend when I took her performance spot and echoed her previously made comment about poor tips! I know she meant it as a kindness, but I DO have my pride! I may be starving in RL, but not in SL! Allan never even says hi except for performances. And I quarreled with Jim. Just Cas and Bridget left, and who knows what the day may bring. It is not over yet. I want to run away, but there is no place to go... Gamilia is gone.

I Am Tiny

Today I bought 25 dances designed for tinies and placed them in a dance ball. The process sounds so simple when I say it like that. But it took me a lot of time to decide which ones to buy and another hour to decide on a dance ball. I wanted one with a menu system so everyone would have lots of choices. And I had to make sure there were break dances for Johnni. Then I had to strip the ball of the existing dances. When I placed the new ones in the machine, I discovered that they all had to be renamed because the titles were longer than 24 characters. That took another 10 minutes. And then the darn thing reset itself each time I dragged a dance in! So loading it took another half hour! My HUD desn't take that long to load, so I was pretty disgusted by the time I got it finished. But I hung it up at Linri's and Johnni and I tested it out. He loved the break dances. Ever see a teddy bear dance on its head? Or a rock dance? Pretty silly looking but lots of fun.

Role Play in SL

SL is full of so many roles that are different from RL and I have often wrestled with the thought of why anyone would want to engage in slave/master or BDSM play. An old friend (male) told me his slaves call it the most liberating thing to totally trust one person and no other. But then, it IS role play and I expect it goes on in RL too. It is just not so open in RL - no one walks around wearing a collar or with a sign over their head "property of master so&so". Most SL role play is segregated to a sim where only that type of behavior is allowed. There is Wild West rp, medieval rp, Star Trek, merfolk, etc. I DO find slave/master rp uncomfortable to be around, and however dscreet the players are, some of the byplay is always noticeable. Unfortunately, two of the DJs I enjoy choreoing for are now into the slave/master rp and I am now feeling very uncomfortable working with them. And I don't know how my group will feel. Who I choose to work with is a direct reflection of who I am. I pride myself on only working with the best DJs. How can I call my group when I know some of them are totally against this sort of role play?

Help me out here. Are my feelings unreasonable? How do you feel about this? And how would you handle this?

Blues and Dreams

What a wonderful day I had yesterday. I have been working on tonight's late theme show at Linri's - blues. The DJ sent me a play list on Thursday because I had expressed some worries about pulling together a dance list. Hehe - everyone is in for a wonderful time. His choice of songs varies from slow and sultry to, as he puts it, "fast jump blues." But just to be on the safe side of slow and sultry I went out to Sine Wave. I have a love/hate relationship with that place; it is lag city and the dances are scattered all over the entire sim. Thank goodness I have most of the older dances already and only needed to check out the NEW section. Right away I found 4 new dances perfect for blues and a faster one for rock. Last night I introduced all 5 into my set with DJ Allan, but Ariel and Rainne only noticed one each.

Yesterday afternoon, Jim caught up with me while I was getting ready to review the dances and make a list for the notecard. So I invited myself over to his beach house and I danced him while I prepped for the show. I had spent some time making a play list of some of the songs for tonight, so I listened to them while I ransacked my dances to choose ones that would match. So there we were - dancing on the deck while he worked on whatever it was he does and I entered dance names on The List. It was a nice feeling to just know someone else was there. I usually do this alone and I felt like I was sharing, even if what I was dancing did not match the muisc Jim heard. And when I finally finished and turned off my iTunes, I realized that there was no stream on the sim! So Jim had been dancng to silence (unless he had iTunes playing, too.)

Jim is so handsome and sweet and fun. He teases me in open chat while there are others around and I love it. He asked me to be Mrs Claus while he is Santa and to ride with him in his sleigh while he drops presents on sims! Hehe, I wonder what everyone will make of my acceptance! And I hinted that I wanted to see his etchings (as long as they weren't really tatoos.) Goodness, what has gotten into me? I love coming into SL and watching or waiting for him to come on. My favorite words in SL are now: Jim Wheeling is Online. Even if we don't catch up with each other, I get a warm feeling just knowing he is online at the same time. And I have only felt this way about one other person in SL so, yes, it is very special for me. And last night when I used the word "you" he corrected me with "us". So now I am dreaming about a fire in the fireplace and us warm and cuddled on the sofa sipping wine while it snows outside. Lol. Silly dream.

I Love My Life

Sure, I keep pretty busy, what with working, and finding the right costume for work, and making up lists of dances to fit "theme" nights. But last night, I got to do something really special for my friends Bilbo & Starr. I was prepping for Otawan Fouquet's set just before we started when my mystitool got whiff of their imminent approach. I instantly IM'd Ot to let her know that they had gotten married that afternoon (in RL) and told her what their special song was. And she turned the evening into a Wedding Reception for them! Lots of beautiful, romantic songs that made your heart sing. Linri put out wedding cake and champagne on the sushi bar and I sent out a notice that we were having a reception for Bilbo and Starr. Starr looked lovely in her beautiful white wedding gown and veil and Bilbo looked his normal, goodlooking self in his old Lincoln frock coat. The attention was focused on them and they are very special people who deserve it! I know it was selfish of me, but I felt so proud to be able to do something special for them. After all, I couldn't make it North for their wedding so this was a way to show them I loved them; choreographing for their SL reception!

And right after that, I got to dance to Donagh Dougall's Latin Rhythms set. Hehe - we all looked great in red; the ladies wore red dresses and the men wore red suits or jackets. Lovely... And the dancing was fun and challenging - exactly the way I like it. But I made a very quick costume change and it wasn't until after the set was over and I had a chance to actually see my feet that I realized I was still wearing the mauve shoes from the prior set's costume! OMG! What a fashion faux-pas. I hope no one noticed. I had such great flamenco shoes in my inventory, too!

I didn't finish until Cinderella time, but I still needed 20 minutes to settle down after the set. I usually can't go to sleep until I have unwound, and it takes about that long for the adrenaline to stop running. So I asked a friend to help me unwind (by dancing and chatting of course). I had checked out Entwined Hearts earlier yesterday because the last time I had tried to dance there, the stream was gone and so were most of the dance balls. But I am happy to report that it is back in operation and just as lovely and romantic as ever, a very peaceful place to calm down after a show. And I love being with this friend because he is funny and smart and handsome and talented and makes me feel very special. I am so grateful for the time we do get to spend together and that he considers me one of his friends.

Lazy Sunday morning

So what does Emy do on lazy Sunday mornings? Well, this morning I showed Bridget my tree house, got a tour of Bridget's new house (which is being constructed from half a dozen free ones from her inventory) and went swimming in her HUGE new pool. Then I forced Bridget to play Spanish guitar music while I raked through my dance hud, testing dances and putting together a list of Latin dances for tonight's show with Donagh Dougall. Bridget started to build a giant lily pad in the center of the pool but then got distracted in her inventory. All the time we talked about the men in (and out) of our SL lives and had a good gossip while I danced Bridget to my new list of latin dances. Bridget makes me laugh at myself and I can never take myself too seriously when I am around her. And that is good, because now I have to call Bilbo & Starr and congratulate them on their marriage (in RL) I never thought my ex would get married again, but he has really done it! And if he had not come into SL, he never would have met the girl of his dreams. wtg Bilbo!

If you haven't been tagged yet, I TAG YOU NOW!!!!!

Cas tagged me , so here it is:

1. Link to the person that tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Share 6 non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
5. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

My non-important habits/quirks:
1. I consider my bed a nest so I never make it up unless I change the sheets
2. I like to sit in my car at noontime and let the sun shine on my face
3. I love the smell of vanilla and once had perfume that smelled of it
4. I sleep with a light on because I do not like the dark
5. I can feel the rain before it comes and I love the smell of it on the pavement
6. I sketch simple medieval style borders and then like to watch the color come alive on them as I paint.

My links: Ariel Gia Johnni (when I can find 3 more, I will add them)

Farewell Halloween. Hello Normality

I had so much fun this week with Halloween. Linri encouraged us all to wear Halloween attire for the entire week! And I had a ball scrambling through my inventory every day to find a casual outfit AND at least one (if not two) fancier costumes for shows. My outfits got increasingly less Emy-like as the week progressed and I was runnning pretty thin by the time Friday rolled around. For my 80's set I dressed as a "Madonna Wannabe" with a little fashion advice from my good friend Cas. The outfit was Cute and Out Of Character(it showed a lot of Emy), but Momma Ot had decreed "scary costume" for her Celtic Samhain set so I needed a second costume for the day. I started out very Victorian, with hair piled on my head, a lace choker and a lovely purple and black gown. Cute but not scary. Then I remembered a knee length Goth dress buried deep in my closet. What could be scarier than Goth Emy? So I found some platform boots and bought a milk white Goth skin to go with it! And when my friend showed up as The Crow with absolutely gorgeous black wings, I felt that I had made the right choice. We got to dance for all of 10 minutes before I had to go on to choreo. But we looked great together for those 10 minutes.

Today I have put on a simple blue dress and I almost feel as if I have lost a part of me. The wild elation I felt Thursday and Friday has settled down. I liked experimenting with different looks. Maybe I will occasionally dress a little differently in the future...